


Ironic

by idrilhadhafang



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angry Poe Dameron, Angst, Kylo Ren Backstory, M/M, Minor Kaydel Ko Connix/Rose Tico, Past Poe Dameron/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Past Torture, Poe Dameron backstory, Pre-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Protective Poe Dameron, Sad Poe Dameron
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-09
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2020-06-25 02:47:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19736791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: Poe, after ten years, tells his story to Rey, Finn, Rose and Kaydel.





	Ironic

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Perspective Flip
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.
> 
> Author's Notes: Basically repeating myself only with the headcanon that Poe knew Ren's identity at Jakku. Warning for canon-compliant torture.

They've had conversations in the main hold before. En route to Bespin to get Lando to shelter them, Poe's told them about how he got off Jakku, for example. But it's sometime after Rose and Kaydel start dating that Finn brings up something Poe didn't expect (all while they're sitting in the main hold with porgs perched all around. Like a damn porg nest. Poe doesn't think he'll ever get used to that).  
  
"There are things that don't add up," Finn says. "You seemed too calm when you recognized Ren out there, on Crait."  
  
"Should I have been screaming in terror?" Poe says wryly.   
  
"No, but...that's the thing. You recognized him." Finn says.  
  
Rey cuts in. "I actually saw you before. When I pushed Ren out of my mind...I saw you. What were you doing here? You must have meant a great deal to him."  
  
Poe takes a deep breath. "I probably used to," he says. Now...now after the way that Ren just used him and discarded of him, he wonders if Ren feels anything at all. He can remember Ben's presence in his mind, telling him that he didn't want to do this -- but it wasn't someone put a blaster to his head and made him do it --  
  
"I'm sorry," Rey says. "I shouldn't have."  
  
"No, it's fine. General Organa appointed me the Leader of the Resistance, but I'm the last person who can be objective about Kylo Ren and what needs to be done with him." Poe rubs his forehead. "Between us, I think that Finn would have been a better choice. Or Rey."  
  
"Well, thanks," Finn says, "But I'm not really the General type."  
  
Rey smiles wanly. "Neither am I." A beat. "You don't have to tell us anything that happened if you don't want to, Poe."  
  
"No, I figured I'd do it. It's that or let it keep poisoning me." Poe takes a deep breath. "I met him...stars, he was just a kid then. His mother had dumped him off at the Jedi Academy with his uncle; I bet she thought that he could help him. When he talked to me about it...he was really upset. Felt like he didn't belong there. Like people thought he was spoiled, even though I never saw any evidence he was anything but a shy, sweet kid."  
  
Finn, Rose and Kaydel seem to be struggling to picture Kylo as a kid. Rey, meanwhile, looks uncomfortable -- it's like she knows some sort of secret that Poe doesn't.  
  
Poe continues. "We were friends. Sounds unbelievable, doesn't it? But we were. Some of the kids made fun of him for it. Called me his babysitter, but we were friends. 'Sides, he was only three years younger than me. And...there was something about the fact he had the Force that struck me as the coolest thing in the galaxy, even though he just saw it as a burden. He used to tell me about how people would talk about his 'raw strength' and 'infinite potential' until he was sick of it. That was the key. He was sick of people talking about it. He wanted to be normal."  
  
"And here he is. Supreme Leader." Kaydel says bitterly.  
  
"Yeah. Ironic -- not really funny ironic either." Poe takes a deep breath. "We got older. He'd tell me stories from the Jedi texts. Bastila Shan and Darth Revan was his favorite -- he always loved redemption stories. He'd work at the Temple with his uncle -- who I swear was just...mercurial, for lack of a better word. He was the sort who'd be nice to Ben one moment and nasty to him the next. I know Luke saved our lives, but he had this mean streak that I never understood. I think he was scared of Ben...and it made no sense, because Ben hadn't even done anything wrong yet."   
  
Still that uncomfortable look from Rey. _And by the way, Rey, what's this thing you know that I don't?_ Poe thinks. He continues. "He was funny. Really funny. He had a pretty wicked sense of humor. He was kind -- when I was eight years old..." He swallows. Now's the time to get into some mourning for a woman named Shara, who deserved more. "When I was eight, my mother was killed in a speeder accident. Ben...actually tried comforting me when he found out. He'd never met my mother, but he talked about Force Ghosts, and how she could be one of them. Giving us guidance." Poe sighs. "But he had...problems. Nightmares. Anxiety attacks. He was actually trying to piece together his nightmares before he left."  
  
"What do you mean he 'left'?" Kaydel says.  
  
"I'm getting there, Kay," Poe says. "Patience. Anyway, like I was saying...he had problems. Sometimes he'd get so angry, and then he'd just be beating himself up, saying he was a Jedi, he was better than that. Which doesn't make sense. Getting angry doesn't make you a bad person; it's what you do with that anger that counts, doesn't it? And the galaxy isn't split into good people and Dark Siders."  
  
"No, Poe," Rey says. "It isn't."  
  
"So he was hurting...and that was the worst part. I couldn't figure out what to do to help him. And his uncle just got...scared. I don't understand how that man could think his bastard of a father was worth saving and not some innocent kid who was suffering and in _pain..."_  
  
Poe's voice cracks. He takes a deep breath. BB-8 wheels over to him, dwooing softly. Poe's comforted by the sound.   
  
Rey shakes her head. "I don't get it either, Poe," she says. "There's...something I want to tell you about Luke, but I think you should wait until you finish your story."  
  
"Right." Poe takes a deep breath. "That was the worst part. Being unable to help him. Nothing I did, nothing I said could make it go away. And it wasn't like I could load a blaster and find whoever, or whatever, was hurting him. How do you fight against something inside someone's head?" He strokes BB-8's dome as he speaks. "When I was twenty-one, I fell..." And this one he can't bear to say. This feels too personal. This feels too raw.   
  
"Just tell us as much as you need to," Rose says.  
  
Poe nods. "I fell in love with him. I started seeing him not just as the sweet kid I was looking after, but someone I wanted to be with. Now...now I don't know whether I want to shoot him or help him or both."  
  
"We're not telling you what to feel," Rey says. "I...I was there, Poe. I wasn't in love with him, but..." She sighs. "Never mind. I'd probably sound foolish."  
  
"You can tell us," Poe says.  
  
"No, no, you go first," Rey says.  
  
Poe continues. "I loved him. I was too scared to say anything. And I think he thought he was too unworthy to say anything. That's...that's what I hate Luke for. I mean, I don't care what that kid later became; no one deserves to feel unworthy."   
  
"I can agree on that," Finn says.  
  
Rey merely nods. Both she and Finn probably know what it's like to feel unworthy.  
  
Poe continues. "Then it came to a head. Ben actually woke me up when he knocked on my door; he was knocking loud enough to wake up a deaf being. I went to the door, and Ben -- I had the funniest feeling like we were being watched, though I never really saw anybody. Ben said later that he'd brought people with him. His story had all sorts of holes in it. So did Luke's, really. But what I got out of it was that Ben was leaving. He said...he said the being he was going to find was wise and powerful and could help him with his training. 'I never belonged here, Poe,' he told me, 'But you're one of the few good memories I have. Stay behind and keep the Republic strong.' I don't think he knew what was going to happen to him then. He thanked me for everything I'd done for him, and promised me we'd see each other again." Poe laughs harshly. "That's kriffing irony, right there. I don't know if he knew that he'd end up crawling around inside my skull when we reunited, but..."  
  
He talks about the rest. About Tuanul. About Tekka. About knowing what had happened from Luke and Leia. About pleading with Ben not to destroy the village not only because it was wrong but because of the off-chance that there was a pinprick of good in him...  
  
"And then...yeah." Poe sighs, rubs BB-8's dome. "He tortured me. Worst part is that he tortured me, but I...don't know what to feel about him."  
  
Rey looks at him. Earnestly. "Poe," she says, "It wasn't your fault. Any of it. Ben Solo had monsters that no one could fight. Even him. In fact...the fact that you were kind to him makes you miles above Luke. And," she adds, "Though I hate to say it, General Organa." She pauses. "Luke..." And she tells him. Tells him about how Kylo claimed that Luke tried to kill him, and how Luke admitted it. Tried to justify it at that.  
  
"He said Snoke had twisted his heart," Rey says.  
  
"No. No. Bantha droppings," Poe snaps. "If Snoke was basically raping his mind every night..." He doesn't know whether he hates Luke or Snoke more. Or General Organa, for that matter (though he hates that he feels that way). All three of them are monsters. _They hurt my treasure, my_ Ben...  
  
Rey continues. "He didn't go through with it," she says. "Ben woke up at the wrong time, and -- "  
  
"If Luke really was a good man, he would have tried to help his nephew instead of trying to kill him," Poe says.   
  
"He saved us, Poe -- "  
  
"From a threat that he created!" Poe says. "If he hadn't decided that murder was the best solution to a teenager's mind being violated..." He sighs. "And kriff, I can't believe I'm feeling this way about the man who tortured me. Am I sick?"  
  
Rey takes his hand. "You're not alone," she says. "Believe me, Poe. You aren't."  
  
Apparently they can add "Conflicted Feelings Buddies" to the list of the sorts of buddies they are.   
  
Kaydel's the first to speak. "Poe," she says, "That's pretty kriffed up. All of it."  
  
"I know," Poe says. "I'm...pissed but I'm grateful that Rey told me. I don't think I can ever be objective about Kylo Ren, but..."  
  
"But what?" Rey says gently.  
  
Poe swallows. "Whatever happens, we're standing together. No matter what the cost."  
  
They sit there, in the main hold, holding a silent wake for a boy named Ben, and Poe knows what he wants Rey to say when -- or if -- she gets back in contact with Kylo. Not a threat. Not a warning.  
  
Simply a reminder that Poe Dameron is waiting for Ben Solo -- and always will.


End file.
